The thing to avoid when building resilience

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Last week we began our series about building resilience.
Because God only knows, lots of us in Lockdown need to build our resilience just to keep going right now!
If you’re not in Lockdown, maybe you just want to know how to get up quickly and with grace after falling down in life?
(Which happens to all of us and can actually be a great way to ward off Dementia).
Read about that here.
Or you may like to read on and discover the thing to avoid when building resilience?

The thing to avoid when building resilience is: should.

Yes – should.
Even the word looks weird to me on this page.
Perhaps that’s because I never use it?

As an NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) Practitioner, I understand the importance of the words we choose to use. And I choose to avoid using the word should.

Because should is a stick with which we use to beat ourselves.

That’s right.
Self abuse is what should does for us.
We are berating ourselves when we are using should.
Regret is the emotion should engenders within us.
And depression is what we are doing when we are should-ing.
Because when we are should-ing, we are living in the past.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
If you are at peace, you are living in the present.
~ Lao Tzu.

Yes – lessons can be learned from the past.
But history shows humans aren’t so skilled at learning from the past.
And besides, it’s gone now isn’t it?
What’s important now is what now?

Avoiding should is vital when building resilience.

Because how can we be creating a wonderful present, when we are stuck in the past?
How can we recover from difficulties quickly when, instead of working a plan for now, we are wasting precious energy berating ourselves or should-ing?

Should is a complete waste of precious energy when trying to recover from difficulties; when building resilience.

Should stops us being present, stops us being resourceful when we need to be.
Because should is all about focusing on the past, it blinds us to the reality of our current situation which is the situation most in need of our attention right?!
Should-ing is extremely disempowering and limiting.
And as a plan of attack or solution, it just doesn’t make any rational sense.

So we can choose.
Choose to keep should-ing ourselves, keep berating ourselves for water under the bridge, keep living in the past, keep regretting and doing depression and disempowering ourselves…


We can stop should-ing ourselves, we can stop doing depression and start being present and resourceful and solving our problems i.e. being resilient.
We can start letting go, forgiving ourselves for not having a crystal ball, for not knowing then what we know now.
We can start dealing with the current situation; with what’s in front of us right now.
Because that’s all we have right?

As my dear Dad always says:
The only thing you get from looking back is a sore neck.

So get yourself a ‘should jar’ and show yourself some LOVE by letting go of the past.
It’s gone now.
Allow those lessons to be learned and move on, utilising all that previously wasted should-ing energy on present-day solutions; on building resilience.

Rachel x
Your Life Changing Coach
is change that builds upon itself.
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